A Change in Myself

Sometimes we go through the dark times. We need help, but finding it is difficult. Maybe there is no one to talk to. Maybe it is shame, to need help when you are supposed to be above the problems and admitting it is weakness.

At one point, I feel like I have tried it all. The only solution was to escape. It didn’t matter if the escape was mentally, physically, or both. All that mattered was to get away. Even in the earliest times I can remember, I have been trying to run. But running away is only a temporary solution. It never leads to a permanent one.  Was the answer ever in a bottle, or was it only procrastination until the ailment returned?

Journaling used to work for me. There I would write out my problems and keep writing until I came across a possible solution. Recently, I tried a method by President Dwight D. Eisenhower. When he would get angry, he would write it out all on paper. Upon completion, he would throw it away. He was done with it. I tried it, and it didn’t work. The problem was still in my mind. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake it. It would simply not go away.

What can I do? And then, like a bolt of lightning it hit me. My problems, though affecting me on an internal level, are external. As much as I would like to change the situation, I cannot. Neither can I run away from it. So, what can I do? There is an answer, and it comes from a fountain of wisdom far beyond me.  I may not be the source of this wisdom, but I can drink from it.

Discontent is the first necessity of progress. -Thomas Edison

I have been miserable. And though it is not pleasant, it might be a good thing. Being satisfied with where I am at might result in never changing, in never progressing.

Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self-destruct. -Sam Stevens

If I continue down this path, self-destruction is eminent.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice. -Wayne Dyer

This involves a choice. I am at the crossroads, and I am also the author of my own happiness.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. -Lao Tzu

Resistance is futile. This world will continue to change whether we like it or not. Things will never be how they used to be no matter how much we want it too.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. -Socrates

Then why am I still fighting? I cannot win in this way. I need to channel my energy toward the future, not in reconstructing the past.

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. -James Allen

Improve myself. Yes. This is my fight. I cannot change others, but I can change myself. I can improve.

Our destiny changes with our thoughts; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thoughts correspond with our desires. -Orison Swett Marden

The fountainhead of all my problems. It is in my head and in my thoughts. I am directing my thoughts in the wrong direction. I am thinking the wrong stuff. Change my thoughts, change my destiny.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. -Victor Frankl

Frankl drops the grandaddy of them all. The challenge is to change myself. I am not a victim. If I don’t like it, and I can’t change it, then I must change me. The gauntlet has been thrown down, what will I do?

I went to church, and I listened to the Gospel. This is what is said:

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” -Matthew 18:21-35

Ten thousand bags of gold. Maybe a hundred years’ worth of wages. It is a debt not easily repaid, maybe even impossible. Compare it to a hundred pieces of silver. Three months’ wages. Here is a man forgiven by a rich and powerful king, yet he has no forgiveness in his own heart.

These problems of mine are not incredibly significant. In fact, they are mere trifles. I don’t why this Gospel affected me the way it did. Maybe, it directed my mind somewhere else. Maybe, it just had that healing affect. I am not sure, but when I left the church, I came away with peace. I felt love for those around me. I felt gratitude for having them in my life. I had a change in perspective, and maybe that is a beginning to a change within myself.

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