Back to Present

If I only I…

I get chills when I open with that sentence. Too often, I use it. So much I should have done, could have done, or would have done. Gazing in the mirror of the mind’s past, I see the wrong turns, the balls dropped, and the opportunities missed.

Things without remedy, should be without regard; what is done, is done.

William Shakespeare
Photo by Hadija Saidi on Unsplash

There is no going back. To study history is to learn from the past, not to rewrite it. We learn in the hopes of not repeating the same mistakes. Experience is a wound not to be reopened. We let the scars of our shortcomings heal. The marks remind us to either go a different direction or to be more skillful in our next attempt. To stay in the past is to reopen the wounds of our mistakes and allow them to fester. Therefore, we must move forward.

But not too far.

Yet, I cannot help but go there anyway. I gaze at the clouds and see only the silver linings. I believe I can touch them. My excitement for tomorrow’s victories is so great that I relish the hit of dopamine flooding my brain. This intoxication, sublime in its fantasy, carries me on wings to the greatest heights. I could stay in this bliss forever, which means I must leave it with all haste. This drug, this dream, is beautiful. But it is an addictive trap that will keep me from where I belong.

The greatest obstacle to living is expectation, which depends on tomorrow and wastes today.

Seneca
Photo by Anway Pawar on Unsplash

I hit play on the music. Again, I meditate. A daily practice that I fear I will never master. I want to go to the past. I long to explore the future. I belong in the present. Here is where I exist yet spend the least amount of time. The present is where my scars lead my footsteps. My actions bring me closer to the clouds I envision. If I cannot stay in the present, my hopes of the future will remain as only hope—distant, ephemeral, and without substance. My work can only be done in the present.

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