Tag Archives: Parenting

Little Waves of Destruction

Saturday afternoon shopping and errands. I’m not going to lie. This is not my favorite way to spend a Saturday afternoon. On the way, I suggest we eat lunch first. We go to Willy Taco.

Chips, salsa, and a big glass of some kind of fruit punch for the kiddo. He is playing with his Nintendo Switch. Occasionally, we let him bring it in. Today is one of those days. After all, it is Saturday afternoon and who wants to spend the day riding around shopping.

He reaches for a chip. On the way to his mouth, he clips the fruit punch. Fruit punch and ice go tsunami across the table, across the plates, and over the Switch.

My instinct is to add a little kindling to the fire. This is an interruption to a pleasant lunch. What are you thinking? How could you do something like that? Way to go, you ruined your Switch. These are the initial thoughts that course through my head. I look at him. Tears are starting to roll down his cheek. We clean up and Mama goes to the restroom.

2003. It was our first date. We are sipping on beer in our little booth at a local Mexican restaurant or maybe it was Applebee’s. Eighteen years ago, and the details are a little fuzzy. What isn’t fuzzy is me knocking over my beer. Sadly, this is not my first tabletop tsunami experience. The cute girl sitting across from me, Bethany, gets the full wave of ice-cold hops and barley.

A few years later, and that same girl somehow became my wife. My mom is visiting us in Tallahassee. Coincidentally, we are back at the local Applebee’s for dinner. We are sipping beer and enjoying our appetizers. I reach for a chip and initiate the next storm of destruction. This time my wife is spared. Thank God! Unfortunately, my mother is in the impact zone and the storm surge hits her full in the lap. All I can do is shake my head as I reach for any napkins in the vicinity.

About a week or two ago, I was listening to a Podcast. I can’t remember which one, but one little snippet stuck with me. They were talking about kids and their coordination. Overcoming clumsiness is a part of their development. How ridiculous it is to be upset with them when this happens. The conversation resonated with me, because I wondered how often I spoke what was in my mind when Alec had an accident. There is no use crying over spilt milk unless your parent makes you cry. In my mind, I told myself I can’t be that person that makes these molehill accidents into a tragic mountain.

As I mentioned, mama, that same cute girl from before, goes to the restroom. I look over at Alec and think about that Podcast episode. I tell him, “It is okay. Accidents happen, and this was an accident. There is no need to be upset. We are not upset. Your Switch is okay.” Bethany comes back from the restroom, and we resume our lunch as if nothing ever happened.

The moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.

Eckhart Tolle

The hard thing is not voicing those initial snap judgments that come to mind. By taking a moment to see the big picture and keeping my snide comments to myself, I prevent the accident from escalating into something else. We are all human and prone to accidents. In this case, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I only hope he can gain a better control of his motor skills earlier than I did in life.

Feature photo by Anshu A on Unsplash

Rekindle the Spark That Leads to Mastery

This week I started reading the book Mastery by Robert Greene.

What does it take to become a master? Well for starters, it starts at childhood. It starts with passion for doing something that you really enjoy doing. Children have a natural inclination to do what they like to do. Unfortunately as adults, we like to coerce them into doing the things they “ought” to do instead. We do it because we want what is best for them. We figure that conformity is best. As a result, we take them away from the things they enjoy doing and give them other tasks for their own good.

To be a master, you have to reconnect with that love for doing something, like you once did as a child. You have to find your passion in a field and go after it with all the passion of a religious zealot. It is more difficult as an adult. But even as adults, we still have the ability to hearken back to those days of old when wonder sparked within us a desire to know more. We have the ability to rekindle that fire and begin again.

As a father, I have to remember to encourage this with my son. As a somewhat responsible adult, I have become enamored with responsibility, duty, and what ought to be done. And though I like that structure and feel free working within those boundaries, I want him to find his own discipline while at the same time pursuing his passions. It is a balance I am hoping to find not only with my son but with myself.

To forget one’s purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. –Friedrich Nietzche

It would be stupid to forget the reason why I am on this earth. It is a miracle that I am even here, and to squander it would be a shame. This week, I am going back in time to remember what I used to be passionate about and how they line up with what I am doing today. In the days to come, I am going to look at the things my son is passionate about and how I can encourage him to explore those passions.

Farewell.

As They Ought to Be

“Be good.” It is what I tell Alec as I’m leaving. When I said that the other night as I headed to work and left him with his grandparents, his grandmother said, “He’s always good.”

When I think about it. He usually is good. Why then do I say it? Is it a last reminder before I leave? Am I afraid that as soon as I walk out he will turn into a little monster? Is my saying it an unchecked habit that I have formed?

A few days before that I got upset with him. He made a small error. I got upset. Why? I don’t know. I could make a bunch of excuses but none of them would be legitimate. How many mistakes have I made in my life? How many of greater consequence than the one he made. When I made it, the last thing I wanted was to be reprimanded of it. The misdeed was instantly noticed, reprimands were only piling on. And I of course, hating when it was done to me, I piled on. A few minutes later, I apologized. It was unnecessary, and I was not helping the situation or him to become better. I was the little monster.

If there is anyone I hope to influence in this world, it is him. How can I help him become what he is capable of becoming? I can treat him as what he ought to be, not what he is now. Even though he is still just a child, I can treat him as a fellow human capable of making appropriate decisions. I can guide him along the way into what I believe is acceptable behavior, but I shouldn’t harangue him for every little action I perceive to be an annoyance. I need to keep Solomon’s words in mind, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not be intent on his death.”* There is no need to engage in psychological warfare. I know what it feels like and would not want it for him. I don’t need to nitpick. I don’t want to become a nag for no other reason than to be disagreeable.

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of becoming. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

As I meditate on these words of Von Goethe, I think of all those I with whom I come into contact: those in my community, at church, within my workplace. Are we not all on a path of what we are becoming? Treat others as they were what they ought to be, and we can have a hand in helping them meet their capabilities.

*Proverbs 19:18

Path to Mastery

My son opens the new box of Legos. He is excited and can’t wait to complete finished product as shown on the box. Multiple bags of bricks come out of the box and then the instructions. The instructions. A book that can shoot upwards of a hundred pages depending on the difficulty of the project.

Maybe someday Alec will become a “master builder,” but right now he is still learning. When he was four, he put a few together but mostly watched us put it together for him. At five, a little better. Now at six, his build quality has improved and the instructions are not as overwhelming as before.

In those early days of building, the instructions were daunting. He knew he was supposed to follow them, but that was much easier said than done. The concept was there, but he lacked the execution.

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn. –Benjamin Franklin

The techniques I use for training associates in manufacturing were the same techniques I used in the Army and in retail. As a trainee, here is what you can expect:

  • You can read the instructions. In almost every organization, there is a manual. It will give you the basics (tools, conditions, etc.) of the procedure you wish to perform. It may not make sense, but at least it is something.
  • You can watch someone and try to emulate them. Watching an expert perform a task brings the instruction manual to life. You can get a sense of the rhythm, witness the skill, and pick up on any tips that the manual doesn’t cover.
  • You can read the instructions, watch a trainer, and then perform the procedure yourself under the trainer’s watchful eye. The trainers can guide and correct you. They can show you how to minimize wasteful movements and boost your productivity. Under their tutelage, you can in time become an expert yourself.

This method for training goes beyond the workplace. Imagine using these concepts in grooming our children for adulthood.

  • You can tell a child what to do and hope they get it. This is like giving them the instruction manual. If your child can listen well, there might be a chance.
  • The child can watch you. In fact, whether you know it or not, the child is already watching you. You are the example. They will follow your example. If you sit around and complain all the time, guess what your children will do? The same thing. For good or for bad, you are the one they will emulate.
  • The best parenting advice I know: You tell them, you show them, and then you let them go through the experience while you watch them. It is active parenting. Your words match your actions. Their actions in turn are molded by their leader.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. –Oliver Goldsmith

The next time you open up a self-development book, keep this training method in mind. It is good that you are reading it, but there is only so much you can get out of it. Depending on your retention level, the words will only take you so far. It would be better is to find someone, an expert, to emulate. Even better, find someone who can guide you as you go through the process yourself.

As you develop, remember it is through action that improvement is possible. In time, you are going to want to share that knowledge with others. Telling someone what you know will only be so effective. Living what you know and then guiding others in that knowledge is where the real mastery is achieved.

What Good Have I Done?

Last night I opened up Twitter and in my notifications was a question that made me pause and think. “Now that the day has passed, what good did you do today?”

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I will keep constant watch over myself, and, most usefully, will put each day up for review. -Seneca

A new habit that I am working on is writing in my journal before going to bed. What am I writing about? I’m putting my day up for review and noting my short-comings. I am looking at where I went wrong and how I can do better in the future. Did I allow my temper to get the best of me? Did I not do the things I wanted to get done? I look at where I went wrong, but there is a question I don’t usually ask myself. What good did I do today?

Yesterday, I did a lot of good things for myself. I got up early. I exercised, read, and wrote. I drafted a future post on the virtue of Temperance. I went to work. I went about my day as usual and did a lot of good things -for myself. To my knowledge, I didn’t do anything evil. I don’t even remember having any bad thoughts. But did I do any good? I did what I felt was right, but is this enough? I didn’t see an opportunity to do a good deed, but was I really even looking?

Virtue consists more in doing good than refraining from evil. -Aristotle

When I came home, I found out my son got in trouble at school. He hit someone for no reason. I asked him why. He said because he wanted to. He was not provoked nor upset by the other person. He, for no apparent reason, wanted to hit the other boy. I did my duty as father.

What is my duty? As a father, it is my duty to raise a boy into a strong and productive man that can contribute to society when he gets older. He has his name and reputation to protect, even at the age of six. He cannot do that if he is being a bully. He must actively do good and not only refrain from evil.

The rod of correction gives wisdom, but uncontrolled youths disgrace their mothers. Discipline your children, and they will bring you comfort, and give delight to your soul. -Proverbs 29:15,17

“What good did I do today?” It is good that I did my duty. But if he did not get into trouble, would I have done any good? My plan after work was to play with my son. We were going to exercise a little, wrestle a bit, and then get into some Legos. My “good” was in being a good father and husband. It may not seem remarkable to some, but I view it as my sacred duty. Yet I could have done more on this day. I will catalog it in my journal and make the attempt to do more “good” tomorrow.

Again, thank you Chip for creating this awareness to actively do good.

Hard Life or Easy Life

It’s a new year of school (Alec is starting the 1st grade) and with it comes a new set of challenges. Last year in Kindergarten, Alec’s performance issues were talking, playing, and doing cartwheels at the wrong time. Coming into the second week of school, talking when he should not, has turned into his first challenge. Yesterday, he had four warnings for talking which led to not completing one of his tasks.

Growing up, I don’t remember being much of a talker. As I got older, not talking turned out to be a social negative. When others were building valuable social skills, I was locked away in my own thoughts. Now I am constantly waging a battle to become more approachable, with a positive demeanor, as opposed to my normal serious countenance. Often, I have to remind myself to be more engaging, to talk more.

I asked Alec why he was talking so much. He said, “I am trying to make friends.” Now that puts me in a conundrum. Not doing what you are supposed to in school should warrant some form of punishment. Building strong social skills that can enhance your personal and professional life as an adult, however, may be a more valuable lesson than any traditional education can provide. What Alec needs is balance. He needs to be able to do both and to do each at the appropriate time.

Sometimes it is not enough to do our best, we must do what is required. –Winston Churchill

The Punishment.

In Army Basic Training, a young soldier quickly learns the consequences of not doing what he is supposed to do. Usually this is in the form of physical exertion. My platoon in Basic underwent a lot of physical exertion. In the beginning, we did our best. It was never good enough, and we paid for it in our sweat and tears. Towards the end, we learned that doing what was required far outweighed our best intentions. In doing what was required, our extracurricular physical exertion was considerably reduced.

50 Push-ups, 50 Sit-ups, 5 total minutes Wall Sit

We broke Alec’s punishment down into a simple circuit of the three above exercises. 5 repetitions each of push-ups and sit-ups followed by a wall sit for as long as he could hold it. Except the last 10 seconds of the wall sit, this workout was not too difficult for Alec. The goal of this punishment was not to break him down. It wasn’t to psychologically scare him out of talking again. The purpose was to remind him that there are consequences for our actions. As long as he doesn’t get into trouble, I encourage him to talk. More importantly, we must do what is required. In this case, completing all tasks.

Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life. –Jerzy Gregorek, author of The Happy Body and legendary Olympic weightlifter.

The Lesson.

We are always making choices. The fruits of our present choices are always borne out in the future. Looking back again on my younger years, I made many easy choices. Every time I chose credit instead of cash, cheap and easy foods instead of high quality “fuel,” or laziness over action, I paid a very expensive price at later date. All the easy choices made my life much harder. Some of these choices I am still paying for today.

When Alec chose to talk instead of completing his tasks, he was making the easy choices. A hard choice would have been wait for the right time to talk. As a result of his easy choice, he paid for it through exercise. This may sound harsh to some, but it is a relatively small price for the value of the lesson. If he can learn to do the hard things now, he can possibly have a much easier life in the future. Many parents want the best for their children. In many cases, this results in the parents enabling their children in a futile attempt at making their lives easier. But gifts are often under-appreciated and easily squandered compared to possessions earned. I want Alec to have an easy life, but I can’t give it to him. He has to earn it by making the hard choices now.

Parenting tip #1: Be the Parent

I have recently started asking some of the veteran associates I work with about their opinions on some of the new hires. The answers were rather similar and can be summed up in two statements, “they are no good” and “they have no work ethic.” Many of these new associates are fresh into adulthood. They are young and inexperienced, and they are viewed as “no good.” I see a few who stand out. They are quiet. They work hard. They show up to work every day. They are in the minority. What a shame. Is this an issue with today’s kids or has it always been this way? They have been thrust out into this world of adults, and they are not prepared.

I try to attend everyone of Alec’s wrestling practice. I am actively involved with the drills. I do it for two reasons. First, I want to make sure Alec understands what it is he is supposed to do and then that he does the work. The second is for his protection. I understand I may be overly protective of my five year old, but I have my reasons. He is one of the youngest in the group and has never wrestled before. With the exception of a few, the boys he wrestles against are bigger, stronger, and wilder. In addition, they lack discipline. Some of these boys have no qualms about applying a rear naked choke to get the advantage. Their actions are not malicious, but they don’t know any better and will do what is needed to win. If I see them or Alec break a rule that could cause an injury, I will not hesitate to stop and reset the action.

Of the boys on the team only about 25% have the ability sit and listen to their coaches’ instruction. One in particular seems to have made it a quest to disrupt the practice. The coaches are continuously telling him to sit down, to stop running, or to leave the other wrestlers alone. While this is taking place, his parents are sitting on the mat nearby not paying attention to their son’s antics. Whatever is on their phones happen to be more important. Do they think they can take a break from their duties as parents since the coach is now the babysitter? Are they not even remotely embarrassed? If this is the norm for practice, I can’t even imagine what the teachers in the classroom have to go through. If the behavior is not corrected now, what will happen in the future? As Frederick Douglass said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

Thinking of the future, what will these undisciplined children be like when they are much older? They used to be little terrors, and now they are growing up. Will they self-correct into model citizens. Will they recognize their parents’ lack of attention and go on to be better parents with their own children? One could hope, but that may be a bit naïve. Those children, if they survive to adulthood, if they don’t kill themselves or the ones around them, will likely continue to the pattern their parents set before them and raise a new generation of little terrors even more fragmented and torn than their predecessors. A land of undisciplined, unruly children turned to adults will not improve society. If they continue down this course, they will not make this world a better place.

Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. -Proverbs 19:18

This is a plea for parents to wake up. Put your cell phones down and pay attention to your children. How can you expect them to pay attention when your lack of attention is the example they follow. Teach them discipline. Mete out a just punishment when they stray off the path. The rod of discipline can take many forms. Taking your kid off to the side during practice and stopping him from causing mayhem now may prevent him from getting kicked off the team in High School. A well-deserved spanking now is more preferable than the punishment found in a prison later. Be their parent. Be their teacher, and maybe we can have a hope for a better future.

Folly is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away. –Proverbs 22:15